The Illusion of Balance

We all want it. You know you do. We hear about it all the time, this illusive balance some are able to magically achieve, a feeling that no one facet of their life is overshadowed or overwhelmed by another. They have found a way to juggle the demands of the modern world without feeling like they’re drowning, clinging to an anchor of responsibilities getting heavier as they sink further from the surface.

I envy them, those cheerful, happy joggers out at 6 am, headphones in, sneakers pounding against the sidewalk. The sun is barely rising and they’ve already knocked exercise off the daily to-do list. They get to work full of energy, ready to take on the day’s tasks. They happily decline a donut in the break room and sip their bulletproof coffee instead. I wonder if they drive through rush hour with the same grin plastered across their face.

God forbid you have children. Then your chance at finding balance is shot from a cannon into the wild blue yonder. Yet somehow there are still those few that manage to find it. The mom with a baby in the shopping cart seat and two siblings in tow behind her, helpfully grabbing items from shelves at her calm direction while she distracts the baby with funny faces. I bet she gets a run in before coffee too. I take my kids to the store as rarely as possible to avoid the constant stream of I wants that will inevitably follow them through each aisle.

Sometimes my life feels like a never-ending cycle of wake up, get ready, bust my ass at work all day, drive home in rush hour traffic to handle whatever chores are on the schedule along with dinner and bedtime routines so I can wake up to do it all again the next day. Who has time for eating healthier or exercising more? What about all those dreams of being a writer? Shouldn’t I be reading voraciously and writing into the wee hours of the night? Dreams are more important than sleep, right?

I thought I’d found balance once. I walked on lunch and stuck to 1200 calories a day (most of the time). I hit my kickboxing gym 3 or 4 times a week. I made the time to take my daughter to karate and her dad’s house, all while working 40 hours a week, sometimes more when on call. I did my daily writing and made time for reading before bed. I was even trying to add yoga and meditation to my routine. Everything seemed to fit. I wasn’t perfect, but that’s the closest to balance I think I’ve ever been.

I don’t really know how that changed. One slip led to another and things kept spiraling out of control. I stopped waking up early for yoga. I put my kickboxing membership on hold to save money. I tried to buy a class card but have yet to start making it back consistently, always full of excuses. I haven’t even been walking on lunch, blaming the need to work so I can’t take my full hour. We eat out more than we should, failing at dietary and financial goals in one swoop.

I know the things that will make me feel better. I’m just struggling to give up some of my less healthy habits for better ones. The domino effect of one good choice leading to another worked in reverse. Now I need to get it flipped back in the right direction. I know I want all these healthy habits in my life. True balance is found when goals become a natural part of your routine. They are no longer an optional part of your day. They become necessary in a way that doesn’t cause extra stress.

I don’t think I’ll ever be that happy jogger at 6 am. I just want to find what that looks like in my life. I thought I’d found it briefly. Now I need to start taking the steps I know will get me back there again.