If Only Thoughts

You know the ones I’m talking about. We have them all the time, but I don’t know if we really acknowledge them for what they are. If only I could [insert desired improvement], then I could be happy. I’ve always had them. I just never knew they had a name until listening to a Tara Brach podcast on my drive to work.

They come in many shapes and sizes. Some people seem immune. (Can you tell I envy my significant other for this one? Yes, I’m thinking of you.) They walk through their days seemingly content with the world, shoulders unbowed from the weight of endless thoughts. I don’t mean that they don’t worry or that they don’t think responsibly about their choices. I mean they don’t obsess over them to the point their happiness seems to revolve around these futures that are always at the edge of their reach. Never close enough to touch but always calling.

The tricky thing is we don’t always equate these longing thoughts with our happiness. They sit and fester and lurk in the back of our minds, slowly sucking the satisfaction from our day without our active awareness. It takes paying close attention to those feelings of dissatisfaction to realize they are based on yet another desire that will create a brief respite until it’s replaced with something else to want.

My list is endless. If only I could be thinner, I’d feel more confident in my clothes. If only I didn’t have to work, then maybe I’d be a real writer. If only I had more time, I could exercise more and eat healthier. If only I could be more patient, I could be a better mom. If only I could find a meditation center near me, maybe I could truly learn about Buddhism and mindfulness and ways to live a more peaceful life through their beliefs. If only I could figure out what the fuck I want to do with this life, maybe it would be easier to prioritize my daily activities.

There will always be another one. I could sit and stew in my if only thoughts for months, maybe even years. If I let my mind wander, it’s the fucking Energizer Bunny. My challenge has been learning to quiet the never-ending chatterbox. I can try to distract it with Netflix or browsing Reddit, but the thoughts always come back.

That’s the truly depressing part: knowing they always come back. No matter how long I can stay in a routine that feels like it’s “working” and I’m on the “right” track, I inevitably seem to hit a patch where those activities no longer bring a sense of accomplishment. Instead they become another task on an endless to-do list. Nothing changes but the way I see it. So how can I stop changing the way I see it? I like how I see it now, through tinted, rose-colored  glasses.

I think I’m finally learning what it really means for happiness not to depend on things. I’m realizing that there will always be another if only. We all have them. They may appear different, but deep down they’re the same. I’m learning that there are things that make me happy when they’re a part of my life: yoga, healthy eating, walking/running on lunch, mindful breathing at night, trying to make time for mindfulness throughout my day. When I include these things in my life, I’m able to find a peace I can’t seem to reach otherwise.

My problem has been the times when these healthy habits seem too hard to maintain. If only I could stick with them for more then a few weeks … there I go again. See how quickly they move into the stream of thoughts? Or is that just me?

If only thoughts are a natural part of our existence. I need to accept that I can’t make them go away. What I can do is recognize them for what they are. Instead of letting them pull me down into a shame spiral of all the things I’m not, I can use them as a reminder to do something to get out of trouble before I’m in too deep.

When I notice those thoughts, I need to counter them with thoughts of all the things I AM doing right to reach my goals. Yes, quitting my job would make it easier to be a writer. But supporting my family is the more important goal right now, so I need to be happy with the small steps I can take now to keep writing in my life. I need to think the situation out logically, to see the truth behind the story of my if only thoughts. They promise fulfillment and happiness but offer only more craving and grasping thoughts.

I am more than my if only thoughts. Now if only I could make myself believe that.