The Beginning of the End (of My Thirties)

It is the beginning of the end of my thirties. I am officially 39 years old, and next year’s birthday brings with it a new digit at the start of my age. I feel like I should be wiser at this point, ready to embrace my inner strengths and distribute wisdom to those around me. Every day I’m still finding out so much about myself and the world, it’s a never-ending cycle. I’m learning change is the only constant, and embracing that is my key to finding happiness over my next year around the sun.

I spent the last day of 38 enjoying myself in so many ways. My husband’s company holds their annual Christmas party at a casino, so it’s a great excuse for some self care and gambling, hitting both sides of the pleasure spectrum. I booked a spa day in the morning with a massage and my first facial, including some time to crochet on the patio and eat lunch in between services. Then I got cute for my my husband’s company party, where we did a bit of socializing, ate dinner, and celebrated awards before heading out for the real fun.

My husband likes to play craps, so we started there together. After a successful rolling streak on my part, I went to find a seat at my favorite game, Texas Hold’em. Luckily, I came right into an open seat and played for several hours with a great group of players. No one unnecessarily raising the pot every hand before the flop, just some folks enjoying a friendly game of poker. I finally got a high hand 15 minutes after the casino promotion ended, signaling the end of the fun night around 3 am, way past my usual bedtime.

It’s not every year I get to start my birthday at a poker table, and I’m beyond thankful for the much-needed weekend enjoying some of my favorite things. But every moment didn’t feel like sunshine and rainbows. That’s the thing about depression and anxiety, they creep into everything I do, trying to sour the happiest moments with worries and doubts that have no place in my mind. It’s not always so bad that they interfere with my happiness, but when they do I’m glad I’ve spent time learning skills that help me respond from a place of thoughtfulness rather than intense emotion.

The good news is I successfully fought the intrusive thoughts when they occurred, questioning their validity and asking myself the truth behind them in the moment they happened, allowing myself to think about how to respond to the situation instead of blindly reacting. These moments happened sporadically throughout the weekend, but let’s review one example. After ending poker I went to meet my husband at the agreed location and he wasn’t there. Instant worry and dread: what if he ran off with a cute coworker and forgot about me, what if he went back to the room without me, what if he went back to the craps table, what if, what if, what if. Obviously the first thought triggered me the most, pulling up my own insecurities about my self worth.

Instead of allowing the panic to rise in my chest and overwhelm my thoughts, I took a few slow, deep breaths, coming fully into the present moment so I could think more clearly about what to do next. I acknowledged the thoughts for the worries they were, giving them their space so I could more fully let them pass. Why should I worry about my husband’s attachment to me after over 10 years together? Is his absence from a meeting spot really enough evidence to prove his affections have declined? What if he went to the bathroom? What if he went to grab a beer? There are tons of what ifs not nearly as worrisome as the first ones to pop into my mind. I know better in one part of my brain. It’s just hard convincing the other part to see the light of logic.

I decided a quick pass around the casino floor wouldn’t hurt and it would give me a chance to calmly decide what to do next. No luck finding him near the sports book or the craps table, so I tried calling him while heading back to the original meeting spot. No answer, which was not unusual since we both keep our phones silent and casinos are loud in general, but of course the little nagging voice chimed in again with all the things he could be doing to not answer his phone. I acknowledged the thoughts for their desire to keep me safe, but this is not the evidence that would suggest a breach in fidelity, despite what nagging thoughts tried to suggest.

My husband returned to the agreed location with profuse apologies. He did have to help a cute coworker get back to her room, but it was his inebriated boss, who is married and thus romantically attached elsewhere and no concern in that regard. I wouldn’t be with my husband if I didn’t trust him to protect the relationship we’ve built over the years, and at the end of it all, I’m proud of myself for using my coping skills to handle the difficult thoughts and emotions that came up for me. Instead of lashing out full of emotions, I could calmly greet my husband and hear his funny stories about the time we were apart.

That’s the whole point of all the work I’ve been doing to support my mental health. I know that I struggle with depression and anxiety. What I don’t want is to be hurting my loved ones in an emotionally charged state. After a mini breakdown towards the end of October, I’m in a virtual Intensive Outpatient Program, which is about 3 hours of group therapy 3 days a week. I’m a little over halfway through the program, and I am so glad that I took the time to invest in my own mental health with the support of professionals. The group facilitators challenge me to use my skills in new ways whenever I open up about specific situations in my life, and I love the shared vulnerability our group offers with supportive voices when providing feedback.

Therapy is not my only form of help. A network of supportive friends and family is helpful, but I wouldn’t be where I am with my mental health without the help of my prescribed medications. My doctor made a small change to dosage after my incident in October, but they’ve really helped me stay stable and sane the past few years since I started taking them. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have a good team of professionals in your corner. Be honest with them about how you feel and let them help support you in the process of finding what works best for you.

As I look forward to the last year of my thirties, my main goal is to continue making healthier choices for my long-term good. I’m almost two months into giving up nicotine (again). I’ll probably write a post about it here at some point. I’m making changes to my work situation to help care for my daughter on her own mental health journey due to some corporate fuckery that I’ll likely write about later as well. Lots of ideas for things to write about; I just need to be less afraid of the publish button.

There are so many things to be grateful for heading into the beginning of the end of my thirties. Hopefully I can spend this year documenting more of them here, as I silence that little voice that says no one wants to hear what I have to say. To that voice I say, so what? I feel the need to write; that’s all that really matters. Here’s to another year of healthy choices and lots more writing.

Hello 39! I’m ready for all the changes you have in store, and I cannot wait to see how I grow over the course of the next year.